Candy Corn, the Downfall of Spooky Season (Satire)
By Ashton Slaughter
Oh, Halloween time... it truly is one of the best times of the year. Sure, that can be said across the world for many different holidays, but I truly mean it. The trick-or-treating, costumes, decorations, movies and overall vibe are top tier. Right when it looks like Halloween is going to be on par with Christmas and Presidents Day for best holidays, we look no further than any grocery store... Candy Corn.
At first, it looks appealing. The vibrant colors seem to coincide brilliantly with the “Spooky Season” aesthetic. It looks the most “Halloween-y” out of any candy you can get, so for that, I give Candy Corn props. So, where don’t I give the gross treat props? The taste. The first few pieces are always good. Actually, no. Not good— fine. The first few pieces are always fine. After that, however, the taste lingering in your mouth overstays its welcome, and quite frankly, the thought of it sits worse than another Tyler Perry Halloween movie.
As a kid, all you want to get while trick-or-treating is the best candy. Of course, to each their own when it comes to the best candy, but rarely did you ever strike out on candy. At the end of the night, while dumping your Halloween bucket all over the floor to see what kind of sweet treat to dig into first (that is, after your parents check for razor blades), there may be a few select candies that you decide, “eh, not a fan.” So, you give it to your parents, siblings, etc. Very rarely, even as a sugar-deprived child, would you feel personally offended by the candy some stranger decided to drop in your basket (wow, that sounds horrifying; trick-or-treating is weird).
If along the way though, I was ever given Candy Corn by some random stranger, I WOULD feel personally offended. That stranger walked into a Walmart, ready to buy candy for children of all ages who mimic a pop culture they have yet to understand, and thought—“Man, these kids will LOVE Candy Corn.”
If you are this stranger, how dare you.
If you did decide to put razor blades in my Candy Corn, I find it hysterical that you believed I would eat a whole package of Candy Corn (however, I would respect you for fitting the blades in very small pieces of candy). Regardless, all of this hypothetical effort you went to would go to waste— all because you saw a sale rack. There’s a reason why it’s on the sale rack, bro. Still, you can change for the better… and decide to get literally any other candy.
We’ve even decided to ruin perfectly fine cookies, coffee and other delicious snacks and drinks by trying to be quirky and tossing Candy Corn in there. Trust me, nobody wants that… (see this Candy Corn Cob idea for example).
So, let’s do ourselves a favor this Spooky Season and effectively toss Candy Corn on the list of things in our “Cancel Culture” society. Not all things on this list SHOULD be canceled, but this is an issue I’m not willing to let go.
Oh, and uh… while you’re here— save my Easter basket some space and cancel Peeps. Don’t even get me started.